Bäh

Jag känner för att roama runt stan, Dallas, mitt i natten, med min kamera, saken är den jag tänker inte göra det själv, mest för att jag inte vet vilka områden man borde undvika + att det är alltid roligare att göra det med någon annan, min polare C ringde och frågade om jag ville komma ner och kolla på några band och ta en drink i Downtown Greenville (dvs nästan downtown Dallas) Ja! men saken är den att jag är så himla trött var vaken hela går natten. borde sova lite och sen sticka ditt.
Borde dricka en massa kaffe för att hålla mig vaken. Jag känner liksom att jag inte vill sitta inne hela helgen. Bah

helgen

Jag skriver på Svenska! Borde gör någon glad som min mor till exempel. Varför på svenska?
Jag har en hel del läsare som inte förstår svenska, varför skulle jag vilja skriva på svenska då? För att det är mycket lättare att skämta på svenska. Jag har inte nått den graden av Engelska än där jag överstätta alla min skämt rakt över och de fortfarande har samma mening och samma slagkraft. Alla mina engelska läsare är på facebook, det som är viktigt kan de läsa där, och vill de verkligen veta så kan de ju faktiskt översätta.

Jag har faktiskt gjort en läxa, känner mig mäkta stolt att jag inte väntade tills måndag kväll, när vi har "lab".
Jag brukar vänta tills sista minuten och göra saker, men jag har sådär 4 olika projekt på G så det känns bättre att beta av dem nu medans jag kan.

Translate: I'm writing in Swedish, because I don't feel like I can translate my jokes and they will have the same meaning that they have in Swedish.
I'm done with one project out of four.

mer fredag

Det snöade innan idag, var lite rädd för att de skulle bli icestorms, men just nu är det bara gräset som är frasigt när man går på det. Jag har som sagt inga planer för ikväll, eftersom alla är hyper om vädret och om att det är isiga vägar, så jag ska bara sitta här och skriva på mitt självpresentations tal till min Speech/Communication class, det kommer bli ett tal med mycket tårar, kan jag tänka mig så här efter att ha sett vad talet ska innehålla.

guidlines:

  • A person you have known that had an impact on your self-perception and an explanation how they did it.
    Den enda personen jag kan tänka på är Gabbi och det var ingen trevlig upplevelse.
  • What was your turning point or milestone in you life? Det hände ju för bara några månader, och trots att det var som att vakna upp på nytt och se mig själv i nya ögon eller rättare saft se varför saker hände mig, så är det ändå rätt sorligt, att de krävdes ett uppbrott med någon som jag brydde mig mycket om. Fast å andra sidan kan jag också introducera Lisa, som var kompis nog att berätta för mig vad hon verkligen tyckte, efter att jag hade skrivit saker jag inte "vågade" säga.

Fredag wow

Hjälp vad hände?
Idag har jag klivit upp, käkat star trek corn flakes, (som är som vanliga corn flakes fast i en cool box),

Försökt få kläder på den minsta ungen, jag förstår henne, det är mycket roligar att springa runt naken, men det regnar ute och komma naken till en "playdate" känndes inte riktigt som rätt sak.

Playdate, ja det var trevligt, mest för att ungarna leker med andra ungar och jag ska slappna av, lite i alla fall. Efter playdate och middag, har jag suttit och lagt pussel med den äldsta. I ca 1 timme försökte vi lägga ett 200 bitars pussel bestående till ca 50% av blå himmel, det var svårt.

Det är fredag, konstaderad jag, bra dag, synd bara att man har "class" mellan 6 och kvart i 9 och sen är alldeles för trött för att hitta på något annat, inte för att jag tror att det finns någon som vill hitta på något så sent ändå, men man vet ju aldrig. Jag får väll stänga in mig med min dator och göra mina "läxor".

inside inside joke, so you wouldn't get it.

wrote something yesterady I believe. come to think about it, It's not really that awkward.

I'm not head over heels infatuated with this guy. I can live without seeing him I don't have to have him.
He has features I could easily be infatuated with, long black hair, beautiful smile, but then there's the things you can't see, the things you only can sense, I could have been impatient and moved on, I would have done that, if this had played out when I first noticed him, or a couple of months ago. But I'm not, because there's something about him I need to know, it's like a quest knowing what those pictures inside his head really looks like. (I guess that's an inside joke, or maybe it's an inside inside joke).



btter fster strnger

I bought books today, for $325, that's a lot of money I got three books for it. I started reading them too, they're actually interesting, I didn't think textbooks could be interesting. I also started with my portrait for art appreciation, I have this really cool idea about how I want it to look, but right now it don't look anything like it, been painting a lot this evening and I just can't seem to get satisfied with it. I'm going to let it be for a couple of days and then get back to it and see if I want to start over or complete it.

.school started.



It's been a busy week so don't blame me for not updating. Also I wanted to wait until Friday when I had all my classes, but I'm heading out after class on Friday (bowling) so I better just upload this now. So far I had Art appreciation and History of Visual graphics, which was both fun classes.

Visual graphic because it makes you think a lot of what art really is or what is not art, the teacher brought up a good statement: Art is design but design is not art, makes you think don't it? and he said something in the lines of, all artwork is design before it's turned into to art, you think of how it will look on paper, or how you will sculpt you sculpture, what colors to pick what medium and so on, but design is just design, you do all these things you do with art but after you done all that it's done, you don't get to work and make the piece, not the same way you do with art.

In Art appreciation I have a really spaced out teacher, I don't know why but all my former art appreciation teachers have all been very much like this one, must be something about art. I think this class will be much of repetition, because I have taken art appreciation a couple of times before. We got a really fun assignment in this class, we're going to do a self portrait in whatever medium we want and then present it as an oral presentation and a paper describing the symbolic stuff we put into it and the medium we used ans so on. I do look forward to that even though I don't really like to speak in front of people. But hey I have speech class tomorrow (Friday) so maybe I'll get some hints and tips from that class.


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I keep missing calls from a guy, and  I can't figure out what he's saying on the voicemail, so I never call back cus if i did I would be like, say that again, what? sorry I couldn't hear you, the whole conversation through.
Is that bad?

En obetalbar skuld som växt sig stor, större, störst

I know something I'm really bad at.
I'm bad at asking for help, I always want to think that I can do stuff all by myself, and that asking for help would make me seem really weak. I don't know what it comes from but I'm determined to find out so I can solve this stupid belief. Not being able to ask for help, thinking I  can do stuff all by myself don't make me strong, strong is being able to admit that I'm wrong and that I need help.


Another thing I'm really bad at is saving money, but I think that comes from my childhood, like for example knowing that if I ask my mom for money I would always get it. I know it's not my moms fault, you know moms never want to see anything bad happen to their kids so they make sure they're always safe. But in knowing, that no matter what, I'll always have money, I don't have to save anything because it will always work out some how. I really need to learn how to save my money instead of spending them. I don't think I ever have saved money, I worked hard to get things, but never save. Like how did I get here, it wasn't by saving, it was by working hard and paying of as time went by, how did I end up going to Australia? No saving there either, I took all the money my parents had saved for my future and school. But hey I wanted to go to Australia and it was an experience I probably could never get from school.

I don't buy a lot of stuff any more but still at the end of the month I don't have any money saved, I don't know how that works out.

X marks the spot... and i'm singing even if I'm losing

I did not write this, I translated it from a Swedish song by Promoe.
(it might not be completely right) but well it's got a good meaning to it.
I don't sing because I'm a good singer I sing because I love it I sing because what I sing has to be heard.

I don't sing for anyone else I sing for myself.
Sometimes I sing perhaps too high for it excites me
When marketing shit would be heard as the voice I lace
Sometimes I blush before the words even hit the air
Nervousness dries out your mouth, but I love thirst
Hunger, death, my brothers, I love squad
Whatever happens will always be the best Tricky Group
I love words, so I wrote too much text, but fuck it
Must spit on the earth to reach to grow up then

So sing all for what you're worth
In the world's coldest World
I am not talking about the weather
Find out who you are
Make something you call your work
It will always be with you
And sing if you are in love
For everything that bears the reins
You know you're worth it
Sing about everything you wear
Inside and outside your soul
Baby, I think it suits you
So let me invite to the dance

I sing better than good and bad rather than not at all
If the tingling in my stomach, I do not care if it's a bit false
Some shit clears my stomach and I clear my throat
And take me tons of elite riders and besserwissers
Which then sits quietly in their list sing heard not a sound
For it might be wrong or ugly - horrible thought
He reigns at the present when it is over-Swedish jantelaw
But I do not sing for the King or my homeland - No
Because what I sing I have to sing - Yes
Sings not for King or homeland
What I sing I have to sing


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music made me very creative today :)

One man army

I passed my English writing test, and now I have signed up for the last 3 credits that I needed. No more stress over not getting a last class. No I only have to concentrate on studying.

my schedule for the next coming months (up to may when the finals are):
Monday: Intro to computer graphic - 6:00- 11:00 pm (that's late)
Tuesday: History of communication graphics - 6:30 - 9:20 pm
Wednesday: Art appreciation - 7:00 - 9:45 pm
Thursday: No Class
Friday: English Composition & Rhetoric - 5:30 - 9:00

First I thought about taking the English class on Saturdays between 9:00 am and 4:00 pm, but I think I really need weekends completely free to study and to recharge my batteries.

Being Alive Puts You at Serious Risk of Death.

It's been a week, no even less. patience patience patience, I had a lot of that before last Friday, but that was mostly patience with myself, I think I'm going to try a new attitude, the attitude that I don't really care, but give of some hints that I still care. I don't know if that will work. performance doesn't seem to work right now anyways.
but all that matters is what you do now, and now, and now: not what you did or what you are going to do. Now is all that matters, how you battle your thoughts or feeling right now, not how you deal with your past, because I can't change that anyway. And even if I plan things ahead, because I think that I know how thing will turn out I can't do anything about it until the moment present itself, So why bother?

I think i need to make some commitments to myself, maybe a weekend of silence, just me and myself, those weekends seemed good, you know, just to know that I can survive with only myself as company. Hey I love going through diversity, because I know there's always something better on the other side. But of course it's hard to appreciate it in the beginning, because we always chase happiness, and feeling down is not something we really want to do.  to bad is had to happen right now when I really feel like I want to be strong, and call people, do things, start school, all that sort of stuff, but maybe then again, I might be stressed over those things.

Oh well at least I know what it is, a couple of years ago I would have though I would never get out of it. Now I know it will take a couple of days, weeks, or months at the longest, better do the best out of it. I even know when it's starting now, it's like a menstrual period, I start out with being really creative, I get quite, I write these kinda essay about my thoughts, I get tired, and then I feel like I want to sleep for a week.
Then before you know it it's over and the fish (that will be me) is swimming in a new current.

my dream come true..

I went to the movies with Kirsi yesterday and I saw this movie:
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

Now if there's something I like: then it is fantasy, and guys with long black hair. 
This movie has both, and since Heath Ledger is awesome and handsome I will now watch
10 things I hate about you, and then I might go to Starbucks for more long haired guy awesomeness.

No looking back - Damita

I usually don't like this kind of music, but this is really good:
Yes, by the way, my weekend was good. It didn't turned out the way I planned it, but I still had a great time.
It started of good on Friday evening, with Sam (the guy I asked out for a date), we hung out for 4 hours, talking, laughing, watching people, having beers and playing darts. Saturday I met Sara and Amanda, a new Swedish girl, she was nice. Then that evening Sara and I went to a birthday party, I met some cool people had a couple of beers and got home by 2. Sunday I slept until 12 and then I went to watch Taking Woodstock. I got so inspired by that movie that I went home and painted for the rest of the day.
New week new happenings. I don't know what will happen this week, I don't plans things ahead.

Jan. 6, 2010

This week I'm trying to start things even though I don't feel ready to do them, all after reading this articel om tinybuddha.com.  To be honest it work on things that I don't fear doing, but I wished it worked much better on thing that I feel i would like to do, but that somehow scares me, like for example asking a person out, I've been thinking about it for a month, but I don't seem to get the right opportunity.

But when will the right time occur, will it ever be the right time, is it the right time, when there's only me and him and no one else can hear us, no I don't think that's the right time, I think the right time is right now, the right time is anytime. because if you try to look for the right time you will never find it, and then you will never do what you set out to do, and the chance will get away from you.
10:00 pm
Okay so I did it! and it wasn't scary at all! it was easy! Got his number and a date.
I'm awesome

Early morning routines

I like getting up in the morning, gladly before 7:00 am, apart from many others.
The reason to why, might strike you as a bit odd.
I like how cold it is, yes you read it right, I like the cold hitting me.

It takes me back to when I was a young teenager and was out hiking, sleeping under open skies with just a tarpaulin and a sleeping bag as cover.
Morning makes me think of those first minutes when you wake up and stick your hand out of the sleeping bag and feel how cold it is out there.
The almost panic feeling when you realize that you forgot to stack your clothes in the sleeping bag, and that you now have to get up and get them, half naked, even though it feels like it's minus degrees out there.
How the cold hits you and spikes your alert.
How cold it feels to get your clothes on like you've stepped into a hole in the ice.
I always creep back, like I would have had if I was out hiking, into the warmth of my bed and feel how my clothes slowly warm up.

It's the little things that does it.
If you look at mornings like this how could it ever be a duty to get out of bed.
Picture via Leonid Tishkov and Boris Bendiko @ Toxel.com

weekend

Bowling tonight with Sara, Jason, Johanna, Kirsi and Elijah. Hopefully some of us can win over Sara. Tomorrow I'm going to the movies with Martina, to see the blind side, I wanted to see that one for a while but didn't have anyone to go with, is always more fun to go with someone else.

to love someone is to fully let go of your mind and let your heart decide.

Not until you get out of a relationship you can see how dysfunctional it is.
I always give my whole heart into a relationship, if i like someone I like them with my whole heart, and that means giving away picecs of my heart. If that's not answered or if you get abused by words or actions, those little pieces will forever be lost, or untill you find someone who loves you the same amount that you love them.

But after a couple of dysfunctional realtionships  with lies and withholds of the truth, finiding it out from other people than the one who should have said it to start with (we always look out for our own best, I know.) You have a heart that is not a whole heart and you can't love fully with a heart that is missing pieces.

Then again how will you know from the first impression that someone is not going to love you fully the way you love them, you don't now that, and that's why you're willing to give those pieces away to try to make them understand or make them love you back, even though it turns out dysfunctional if you love them you never stop believing that they will change, you always have that faith that they eventually will change, maybe not to love you, but to realise that to love you need to let go off boundaires and walls you build up for people, to not get hurt. If you love with boundaries you will never fully love anyone, you will always have the fear that you will be hurt. and by that when you get out of relationship you will get hurt, or hurt someone just to protect yourself.

1-1-2010

Awesome New Years Party Yesterday, I didn't have high expectations, I only knew it was going to be better than last new years eve, when I was home watching the kids alone.
We where at a hotel room in Frisco, sneaking in at the side doors, running the hallways, playing loud music, had some great conversation. I'm not good at describing things that went on, if you were there you know what I'm talking about, if you were not there, then you missed out on something.

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