Once you understand that there is nothing in the world to believe in, it is hard to go back to what you once believed in, because it does no longer matter. It is a relief but at the same time somewhat scary.

Once it was all that mattered now it does not matter what I say about it, because it does not exist, and nothing I did for it made sense. It makes sense now, but still it is hidden from me, because it is not something that can be explained by words, nor does what I say matter or make sense to me, but neither did it before.
I am sorry if I write in riddles, but it is a riddle for me to, something I yet can figure out how to put into words.

Not applicable

Jag skickade ett sms innan till en kompis jag inte sett på länge, jag tror inte han kommer svara, mest för att jag frågade honom om en tjänst, och jag inte har umgåtts med honom på länge, jag har inte velat, jag har inte haft känslan av att jag har velat det, så just därför har det inte blivit av, känner fortfarande inte att jag vill umgås, men jag behöver verkligen den där saken jag frågade honom om. Just nu vill jag inte umgås eftersom jag vet att han direkt kommer fråga varför jag inte har pratat med honom sen i september, (fastän jag vet att det var i november och jag spenderade en hel helg med honom under en festival). Det spelar i och för sig ingen roll, the one person jag skulle kunna tänka mig att umgås med är inte tillgänglig, men han frågar i alla fall inte om saker som är onödiga. Ensamhet är inte ensamhet om man vill vara ensam.
Jag har glitter över hela ansiktet. Jag ska redigera film nu.

xmas gift for myself.

My mom send me money for X-mas I bough a bookcase and a TV. I never had my own TV so of course I had to buy a big one, 26" LCD TV, nice it is no connected to my PC and my macbook. :) So now I have a huge screen and when I get my PS2 I will be able to play it in my room without having to stop for violent scenes because there's kids nearby, same with movies. More convenient I guess. :)




little bird

12 days of xmas

In the Spirit of X-mas

The 12 Days Of Touring from Dan Meth on Vimeo.

mat och bak

Nu har jag bakat bröd, från det här receptet.
Det luktar mumsigt. väntar på att mina grönsaker och tempeh i ugnen ska bli klara så jag kan äta.

to the moon and back

This song (below) got a new meaning to me it has always been my theme song or since I was 17 or so. But I never really understood what it was all about, listening to it now, it has a brand new meaning.



hang with me

Nothing has changed yet everything is different.

"I am afraid of cities, but you must not leave them. If you go too far you come up against the vegetation belt. Vegetation has crawled for miles towards cities. It's waiting. Once the city is dead vegetation will cover climb over the stones, grip them, search them make them burst it's long black pincers: it will blind the holes and let its green paws hang over everything.  In the cities you know how to take care of yourself  and choose the time when all the beasts are sleeping in their holes and digesting, behind heaps of organic dears. You rarely come across anything more than minerals, the least frightening of all existants."


"If i could keep myself from thinking! I try and succeed: my head seems to fill with smoke…. and then it starts again: "smoke….not to think…don't want to think…I think, I don't want to think. I mustn't think that I don't want to think. Because that is still a thought. Will there never be an end to it? My thoughts are me that's why I can't stop. I exist because I think… and I can't stop myself from thinking. At this very moment - it's frightful - if I exist, it is because I am horrified at existing."


I haven't been touch by words like this (not since I read Albert Camus - The Stranger),

But it would be futile for me to try to explain with my own words what the words I read meant to me, it would be a disgrace to the book. Maybe other people don't read the words as I read them or perceive the words the way I perceive them. But these parts above and below are the parts that spoke to me.


"I glade around the room. What a comedy! All these people sitting there, looking serious, eating. No they aren't eating: they are recuperating in order to successfully finish their tasks.



"There is a story if you like, a story that made great impression on me when I was in school. There was a king who had lost a battle and was taken prisoner. He was there, off in a corner, in the victor's camp. He saw his son and his daughter pass by in chains. He didn't weep, he didn't say anything. The he saw one of his servants pass by, in chains too. Then he began to grab and tear out his hair.

You can make up your own examples, you see: there are times when you mustn't cry - or else you'll be unclean. But if you drop a log on your foot, you can do as you please, groan, cry, jump around on the other foot. It would be foolish to be stoical all the time: you'd wear yourself out for nothing."

"Other times you must be more than stoical."

Nothing seemed true; I felt surrounded by cardboard scenery which could quickly be removed….

- Jean-Paul Sartre


I got my grades

Basic graphic design: A

Special Topics: Advanced 3-D Applications F (failed which I knew I would fail in)

Drawing I: B

English Composition/Rhetoric I: A (that was actually a surprise)

det ändrar ju allt

jag gick och fick en klippning:

det ändrade allt.
nu blev jag manisk och fick super självförtroende.

Lite infekterad svamp

Val, val ska jag gå till Lizard lounge och se Infected mushroom eller ska jag skita i det. let's see pros and cons:



dansa hela natten från 11 till 4

dans musik med härlig bass

alla kommer vara så höga att e helt inne i sig själv = jag behöver inte dricka kopiösa mängder alkohol för att dansa. (det är inf en cons också).



det är långt till Lizard lounge

det kommer bli sent

det är en massa människor där (fulla och höga människor är ofta mer dryga)

alla kommer vara så höga att e helt inne i sig själv


Jag tror inte fördelarna väger upp nackdelarna, jag tror jag stannar hemma och har mitt egna dansparty.

Det skulle varit på Palladium istället.



what is a corporation

Jag såg precis den här dokumentären, som alla borde se..
Om man inte redan har fått en "eye-opener" så får man det av den här.


har läst en massa om de 16 olika personlighets typerna, att jag är introverteted har jag kommit fram till, men jag får aldrig samma resultat. Jag testar som INTP, INTJ, och INFJ.


Läste precis om INTPs och kände igen mig i mycket, mest det här. Länk längst ner. Nu ska jag inte läsa mer om det idag, eller försöka att inte göra det. för mycket tänkande. Ska lyssna på musik istället.



INTPs tend to be rather mistrusting of people and are rather sceptical. However, a lot of their trust is based on what the Ne function tells them about somebody. This can lead to a naivity and sometimes to prejudices based on intuitive perceptions of appearence and style. People can be a problem for INTPs: on the one hand they are fascinated by some types of people, especially more extraverted individuals, but a fear of irrational behaviour in others usually leads to caution. Friendship with INTPs develops at a pace which depends considerably on the temperament of the other person. INTPs dislike making the first move and tend to mirror the emotional content of the other person. A jolly person will quickly bring the INTP out of his shell, as much as that is possible, while a serious person will find a serious INTP looking back at him. In this sense, INTPs preference for intuitive perception (rather than action) with respect to people results in them resembling a chameleon . The INTP can fit into many different modes of behaviour, even contradictory ones, in order to get into the mindset of the other person. The goal is to gain enough intuitive data to analyse and assess the person. In doing this, the INTP remains somewhat reserved, never wholly identifying himself with his surroundings. As chameleons, INTPs are therefore approachable and open, unless the Ne tells the INTP that the other person is a type he doesn't like, in which case the reserved attitude may become too obvious. The chameleon behaviour can be particularly strong when discussing something. The INTP may even argue something that he doesn't really believe himself. Sometimes it is for the intellectual stimulation that comes with the challenge of arguing from a variety of standpoints. Otherwise, it may be to avoid early conflict before the situation has been fully assessed. Chameleons hide their true selves. INTPs do not do this cynically, or indeed all the time, but it is a result of the strong desire to remain detached and observe.


Extraverted Feeling judgement, Fe, is the shadow function of the INTP, being by far the least developed of his faculties. Indeed, mature use of Fe typically doesn't begin to take shape until well into middle age. Feelings and emotions are regarded with suspicion and perhaps fear by the INTP and he may be keen to avoid considering or showing them. At the same time, he may experience a certain fascination for the emotional world, but he is desperate to de-personalize any thoughts on that area. He is compelled to subject his emotions to continual analysis, the Ti core literally suppressing the Fe shadow, attacking Fe with accusations of irrationality. He resists letting his feelings go, fearing that to do so would be to relinquish control to an unknown force. He believes emotions to be of a lesser substance than logic and his natural goal would be to conquer his emotions with pure rationality.


The inferior nature of the Fe shadow shows itself, otherwise, in the lack of ability to show active empathy with people undergoing strong emotions. If he wishes to encourage the emotional person, the INTP tends to resort to giving T-based solutions to the problems involved. Often, the INTP does not really know how to empathize and may feel discomfort and helplessness, especially when he understands the rational basis for the emotions. He may become frustrated that the person remains unhappy in spite of hearing his T-based solutions. Much worse is when the emotional person appears to be being irrational. INTPs detest irrational emotion above all things. INTPs must take a very wide berth around people who appear to be irrationally, outwardly emotional. INTPs are very sensitive to such a trait and fear the potential excesses of the emotional attacks which do not yield to a defence based on logic.


I think I just got out of a couple of months long depression. Not feeling super but feeling a lot better than the last couple of months. The one week by myself certainly helped a lot, and that school is on the final week helps even more.




Manual för Frida.
Och jag borde köpa det här huset: Hus

Blowing lungs like bubbles

Förra rubriken bored ju varit six days at the surface of the sea. Fast om man seer det som Jules Verner så blir det i och för sig six days at the bottom of the sea, så det var rätt ändå.

Hej jag har sovit i 3 timmar nu, hämta familjen, åt för mycket mat, somnade.

I don't spend as much time outside as I spend inside myself, thinking, contemplating, analyzing, trying to make sense or making sure I am comfortable. The outer world often don't make any sense. And I really have a hard time no thinking about anything, or trying to make logical sense of things going on.



Six days at the bottom of the ocean

Sista dagen av absolut tystnad.. better make the most out of it. som att läsa böcker tills klockan är 12 och sen sova till 6 i morgon bitti.
I don't think I can ever live with someone who wants to see me every day, I get fed up even with people who asks me if I am mad at them because I don't text or hang out with them in weeks.
No I am not mad, I am just content with being by myself, I need that alone time. And because I see people everyday I need it more than ever.
Jag tror deffenitivt att mina ångestattacker beror på att jag är så stressad.



Jag såg 147 hours idag, jag har reda läst boken så jag visste ungefär vad den gick ut på. vad som skulle hända och så, satt rätt opåverkad av vad som pågick på skärmen, ända tills han började skära av sig armen, jag har aldrig haft problem med blod och sådant innan, men nu började en känsla svämma upp inom mig, den var inte speciellt trevligt och slutade med att jag mådde illa som fan, började kall svettas ymnigt, och kände mig yr, som om jag inte längre hade en kropp. jag var tvungen att stänga ögonen och hålla för öronen, och jag är inte säker på hur länge jag satt så, Jag hade en ångest attack eller panik attack, har haft ett flertal sådana den senaste månaden och varje gång är lika läskigt. Jag vet inte alls vad som på bringar dem heller varför jag får dem. Jag kan inte komma på att jag har haft dem innan, eller jo en gång för en massa år sen när jag var på en pub i Stockholm med Lisa och Lucia, hade jag en början på en men så fort jag kom ut i frisk luft försvann den.


jag börjar frysa innan jag får dem har jag kommit underful med nu. det börjar kännas riktigt kallt även om det är jätte varmt i rummet eller runt omkring mig. sen efteråt fryser jag fortfarande som att hela min kropp dopats i ett isbad och inte ens ett varmt bad gör mig varmare. Något jag intalar mig själv varjegång det händer är att det är helt normalt, det går över, andas lungt, men trots allt försöker jag skjuta undan det när det kommer, vilket med alla säkerhet bara gör det värre.



Inget Disneyland för mig, men det gör inget, jag är ensam en hel vecka, det är väldigt skönt jag har ägnat de första 4 dagarna till Obsessive fanatsizing och även att lyssna på Death Cab for Cutie, göra klart the Final project till en lektion, chattat med Moa, tittat på en massa film och bakat kanelbullar. Och det är tre dagar kvar! Who needs company? I morgon tror jag att jag ska gå på muesum om jag inte glömmer bort det och gör något annat istället. Läsa till exempel.

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