sorry

sorry guys, I haven't had time to update you about my weekend, which was awesome!
I promise I'll do it some day this week, It just so much things going on. here's a photos from the weekend.

wacky

I'm tired, from class, I think it is so because we didn't do anything, and the classroom was cold, all energy used for keeping warm. Tomorrow I'm going to the Dr. Pepper museum in Waco, so to say, we're going Wacky in Waco.
I'm leaving you with this song by the clash.
which you by the way only can see if you're on the blog (don't work on facebook)

sweet

I handed in my application for college today, about time, now it's only the TSI test left and then I'll hopefully get my I-20 card, so I can take it with me home and get a F-1 visa. Sweet.

Take the risk, be brave, live free

why is it we are only willing to take risks and expose our inner feelings when there's nothing to lose, what do we gain by doing so? We're definitely not growing by it, even though it might seems like we do, it just makes us think that it's only okay to take these risks when ever there's nothing to lose, making us not taking the risk when we really should take them.
It's okay to make trial and errors, we should embrace the loss of control that goes with risk-taking it makes us grow as persons and makes us have an identity to lean back on, be sure you don't think about yourself as never good enough because it will only put you down. Make sure you live up to your identity at all times, even though it means disappointing, disobeying or saying no to others. What would life be like if you never took any risks, if you didn't have the courage to do the things you fear the most, act in the face of fear, know that you can't have courage without feeling fear first.

Which to bury, us or the hatch

I've been listening to this song so many times, it makes sense right now.

I think you know what i'm getting at
i find it so upsetting that
The memories that you select 
You keep the bad but the good ones you forget

And even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
When you peel out and drive away
I cant believe this happend

And all this time I never thought
That all we had would be all for not

No, I dont hate you
Dont want to fight you
Know I'll always love you
But right now i just dont like you
Know I dont hate you
Dont want to fight you
Know I'll always love you
But right know i just dont like you
Cuase you took this to far

Make your decision and dont you dare think twice
Go with your instincts along with some bad advice
This didnt turn out the way i thought it would at all
You blame me but some of this is still your fault

I tried to move you, but you wouldnt budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what i'm getting at 
You said good-bye and i just dont want you regretting that 



by request

By request I'll tell you about my day, but it can get boring just talking about what I do during the days.
Pelle asked about my au-pair time, (and I bet there's others wondering) what I do. I feed the kids breakfast, I clean up after breakfast, I play with them, (today we played treasure hunt and measured objects), then at around 11:30 we have lunch, 12:00 the youngest one takes a nap, and usually when my oldest one is at pre-school I take a nap to, if he's home we usually play games, read books or watch a movie, the youngest one wakes up around 1:30 and we play some more, (today we went outside for a while, but it was cold), and then the parents get home at 5:00 pm and I'm off the clock, and free to do what I want. so that's the whole day.
I usually don't do a lot during the weekends, because i don't have any money, and almost all of my friends are working evenings. you also have to take the car pretty much everywhere you want to go and gas can get expensive, or is really expensive right now. I stay home watch movies or right now I study maths, because I have a test coming up and I want to pass it, so I don't have to take extra math lessons, to get into college.
Relient k - up & up

weekend

This weekend was awesome, I told you I went down to Henderson ave this Friday, and I told you what I did Saturday. Sunday started of great I picked up Carola, (one of the new friend that I made at the Alp's Au-pair meeting) and we went to church, and church is always great, I always leave felling empowered to make changes in my life, or empowered just by the way coach Mike is talking. After church we met up with more new friends and we all went to Frisco commons (a park in Frisco) and had picnic and talked for hours, the weather was great the company was great the food was great, everything was great!
After we ended our picnic and planed for next weekend and the weekend after that, I dropped of Carola, and then headed home to Alp, picked he up and we went hunting for Hot-air balloons.
And after that we went home to Bob to give him a cake on his 76th birthday! We also watched the Football game, Dallas vs NY Giants, football is so much more interesting and fun when you know the rules, and it was an exciting game unfortunately Dallas lost, I'd say they lost because of Romo missing pretty much all his passes, and Eli Manning in NY giants played a fantastic game.

Adventures at Henderson Ave

I had a pretty ok night, I had beers and coke, and fun times talking guys vs girls stuff with guys, you always learn something from that.
Today we went shoe shopping, then to Red lobster for a birthday and then Au-pair meeting, and I think I have a date, I don't know when yet, but Bob set me up with some guy that he says is from Sweden, he was our waiter at Red Lobster, pretty cute.
I'm tired from getting home at 3:30 am and waking up at 11:00 am.. so I'm going to be even though it's only 8:55 pm.

Clarity

I have been feeling extremely good today, I think I got all the anger out, and figured out why I got so mad. My reality is no one else reality, so whatever someone else says or does that hurts me, it's because we got different views on things. So to grow I have to take it all in, feel those feelings for a while, not being mad at myself for feeling it and then let it go.

When I have unhappy emotions I shouldn't blame other people for them, instead I have to look inside myself and learn why I'm feeling angry, hurt or sad. Because if I depend on other persons to make me happy I give them all the power over me, calm emotions comes from knowing, that what I feel is my choice.
I rather put my energy on feeling good instead of spending it all on being angry on something I can't control.
It does take some energy and will power to not think about what other people do.
I've been growing already, had this happened say 3 months ago, well it did kinda, and it took me almost a month to get over, now I'm over it in a day. I'd say that is growth.


1,2,3,4

Pre-school really is not the right place to meet a ponentiel date. Besides, there is probably no one in my age there anyway. Feels really good to be by myself, I'm pretty sure about my feelings.

We got with pet today, and awesomely cool snake, I never liked snakes but I think i'm going to change my mind about them now

This song had me dancing today!

9

I went to see 9 today, it was interesting in a lot of different way, the movie was great, nice animation, interesting story, good characater all that, but I think I need to see it again, to get some more in depth understanding what it was about.
I got occupied by a surprise visit, or actually I'm not surprised at all. It already confirmed what I thought. I don't feel like I can be friend with someone I can't trust, even though I care a lot about him, he just keeps destroying his trustability.

I am grateful for this moment, that's an ending but also a start of something new.

It takes more courage to walk away than it takes to stay.


If you love someone let them go, is eaiser said than done.
Better doors will open, maybe they feel far from reach now but that's because you can't see into the future.

"I am grateful for challengens that lead me beyond my extremity to new opportunities.
I seek with all my mind and heart and I shall find, I keep my thoughts centered upon only those things that I want to see in my life. I see the world not as it is but as I am."


And somewhere in there he didn't fit in.
I feel a little empty but I think it's only my mind trying to tell, me what I know from the past, that this is what it should feel like. But those feelings are only something you build up for your self, for self-pity, and I need to let go, because I don't need them, I don't need to feel cheated on, because I'm not, all of this have thaught me something, and that's what all matters in the end, it doesn't matter how angry you fell how, how much you say you hate that person, because in the end you know you don't hate, in the end you're not angry, in the end all you have left is experience and growth and love.

Who are you

I am me, I am no copy of another person. I'm not average I'm one of a kind, I'm unique, I'm gifted, I'm special and there's no one like me.
I listened to John Mason today, and he talked about all this, who you are and how you define who you are, how you shouldn't try to be copy of any other human being.
I've been thinking lately about two things, one thing that no longer serves me and it's a guy, and one thing that have made me strongee, it's good, cus I know God will help me throught this. I'm very gratefulthat he's with me, that he loves me when it feels like no one else does. It to bad though that I don't get to show the love he give me to who I love. But I'll get over it.
I gave seconds chances.

100 % chance of rain

It's raining outside, not as bad as yesterday. I like this weather a lot, always makes in the mood for painting. I was supposed to go to a birthday party today, but I don't feel like doing that, I just feel like being at home eating popcorn, watching movies, read my books and paint. So that is exactlly what I am going to do today.  Just what I fell like doing.


Jag klippte av mig vingarna och samlade mig mod

(So everything that has mass, draws different things to it. but something else must decide what will be drawn to what, because we're not all drawn to the same things, it's a mystery.)

Everything becomes so clear once you've experienced it, you wonder why you ever doubted it? Of course there must be something bigger, something you can't see, but it still exist, because nothing comes out of nothing, and everything must have comes from something, and it's so hard to try to explain what it feels like, or try to write it down, but all these thoughts are swimming around in my head and it have to come out, because I can't think of anything else, I need to discuss it I need to ask questions, I need to get answers, even if answers means more questions.

I stopped being blind and I stopped being deaf, I'm starting to see things in ways I haven't seen them before, I'm starting to really listen, not only hearing, but really listening, I experience music, conversations, texts and poetry in a totally different way now, and I love it.

Good music, with a message always makes me start thinking.

fight against ...

Give me something to consider and think about, something big that challenge my mind.
ˮHow much do you trust a person, do you trust him/her enough to play out your whole spectrum of feelings?ˮ


fight against yout short-term rewards.


ˮRespect yourself, it's the only way to humble yourselfˮ.


a very honest entry

Isn't it strange that the moment you get out of a bad day or bad days, you immediatly feels like you never had them at all, I come to like the bad days, just because they make the good days so much better, the bad days make me appriciate the good days so much more, and the bad days make me get rid of the things that don't serve me any longer. I had a couple of bad days lately I tried in so many ways to make it better, It just made it worst, looking for happiness, and that right there just made me realize that no person except myself are in control over how I feel.

Happiness - The Fray

 

"you can never plan the future but you can have dreams and hopefully all your dream will come true"


Labor day weekend

I havn't brushed my teeth in two days, that's gross, I havn't changed my clothes in two days either, that's not as gross, still kinda gross, I don't know if I want to change them they smell good. Sunday Alp and I went down to Mockingbird, SMU and Highland Park to look around, take pictures, and just pretend we were in college, ha ha.
After our little trip "downtown" we ended up on Preston Rd and took that road all the way back to Plano, were we went and had "linner" (lunch/dinner), at the same Korean resturant that we always eat at, It's a good place, they have really good Ribs. We caught some breakdancing teen outside the one of the stores, so we stayed a while watching them and taking pictures.
Then we headed down to Little Elm (which is right by a lake (Lake Lewisville, if someone wants to check that out on a map)), to drop of a pair of jeans, we were driving down a road (Eldorado pkwy) that connects McKinney with Plano, and now we know it connects with a bunch of other places to, and eventually enden up in Denison, which is on the other side of Lake Lewisville, it's a far drive, but we got to see an awesomely big bridge, and other cool things.
I dropped of Alp and got back home. I got a call from Matt who's been moving in to his new place, so I went out on the road again, since it was only around 7pm and I was bored, and drove to Leonard to hang out with him, we played xbox, watched a odd movie called something learning, it was a comedy, it had some good parts, but not really my kind of humor. Stayed ther overnight and hung out and around all monday. Got back home at around 8 pm.

creating exhaustion

Since it's a three day weekend and I haven't sleept much today, and yeah Monday is Labor day, I feel I can be up for a couple of more hours, even though I'm really exhausted, but being exhausted always makes me so creative, I don't want to sleep when I'm creative, I'm editing photos and listening to Björk, I wish I had more photos to edit, maybe I'll paint something or clean up the mess in my room pr put photos on the walls.
I got pulled over by the police today, I was driving our new PT Cruiser, it was dark outside and the headlight decided to not wanting to work, The policeman was nice, just wanting to make sure I wasn't intoxicated and also told me I probably shouldn't be driving with flickiring headlights, cus it was a traffic danger. So now I can say I've been through everything with the cars, I know I said that already but I didn't count in being pulled over in that.

Test time, game time, time for something else.


I woke up at 6:00 am today and was out the door around 6:45, arrived at destination around 7:30, so I had some time to just walk around and look at the location, SMU is pretty nice, I wouldn't mind studying there, but I heard it's expensive. Anyway we got seated around 8:30 and the test started at 9:30 I only had an apple to eat, so I started to feel hungry about the same time that we started, not a good thing.
First of was listening, which was easy even though on the first part I forgot to check the question, but I think I nailed it.
After that was reading, not to hard, and third part was writing, I have to say that was the hardest part, it's always hard to come up with things to write, when you have a specific topic, it wasn't to bad but i had to come up with 150 words for a picturegraph of football in Germany, Italy and England, so at least it was something I have some kind of interested in. The second task was a debating essay about the positive/negative issues of pressuring students to work harder, and here we were supposed to write at least 250 words, I think my essay ended up to just that amount. The fourth part was speaking, I always get a little nervous when I speak, I don't think too much before opening my mouth, or I think too much and get lost in my thoughts, but I'm sure I did fine.

I was done at 1:20 and was starving so I headed to IKEA to eat meatballs with Jason, then home for a nap.
Hopefully there's game night tonight, which means jungle speed, rock band and who knows, I tried to get Matt to join me, but he is being I don't know, odd, (or maybe it's just me and my expectations).. I kinda miss him, but yeah I'll have a good time without him for sure, it's just that he just makes things more fun.

I won't worry my life away

I am trying to let go of things that doesn't server me longer, Call it a void, if you like, but that's what I'm going through right now, It's not a bad thing, because it makes me grow as a person, and the time right now, it's a life chaning time, there's so many new things coming into life. I have this test on saturday, that pretty much is going to decide if I'm staying here or not, I'm not worried, I know I'll pass it, I'm actually really really determined and sure, and it feels great to be so sure about something, but yeah it is still a test.  
It's good to know that one thing alwasy stays the same, even though you're going trough this.

Alex is starting pre-school next week, it means a new schedule, and a new responibility, dropping him of at school on Tuesdays, Wedensday and Thursdays. Then Jazzy and I will try to find things to do, like the library, and the library and the library, I haven't though too much about it, but having a car makes for so many new things to do with the kids. 
Tomorrow (which will be Friday) we're going to the pre-school to meet the teachers, and this weekedn is Labor weekend so I'm free on Monday. 



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