This week I'm going to make a commitment to myself. I think it's a good week to do it, because there's nothing that draws me to the must of going out.
I need to know who I am and to know that i need time alone, quiet time, reflective time, time to listen to my thoughts and not be distracted by computers, phones and other temporalities. it feels very appropriate to do that this week. This week is just about me and my needs, because I don't want to be lost in the current of what other people think of me, you may not get any of this, but it makes sense to me.

I feel better what a realif, not couching as much anymore.
I'm going to the park now, because the skating was cancelled, good thing I guess I don't have to make a decicion on where I want to go, and I really look foward to met Ben and Kendra and maybe Alianna (that's Kendras daughter).
I guess we don't see each other much because I don't hang around Matt anymore, and well they work a lot.

Started to plan what I'm going to do back in Sweden more than the visit to the embassy. I'm going to see Markus Krunegård live at Södra teatern, (only one date though, the 23d, I wanted to see Mew too, but I've seen them before, and Krunegård sings on Swedish, and I haven't seen him live yet). I'm going to play a lot of Laserdome, because I haven't done that in while, I'm going to Norrköping to visit my friend Moa, that I haven't seen since Folkhögskoledagrna, that would be 2005 and hopefully hopefully I'll go to Göteborg, to met some friends.
Other than that I'm just going to stay in Helsingborg as much as possible, and hopefully the weather is going to bed good, I don't want storms and rain, snow would be good, I haven't seen snow in a while.

because apparently blogs have them.

I'm rocking my Pajama

l'm going to bed now, no sleeping in tomorrow.

I've been sleeping and studying, was supposed to see friends today, instead I have a decision to make tomorrow, will I go skating with new friends or hang at the park with old friends, can I do both?
I want to go skating because it's fun and I haven't done that for a while, but I want to met old friends because I haven't seen them for 2 months.


Came to think of something.
Why is it harder to recive than it is to give, is it because there's a belif that to recive we have to give something back? and then that becomes hard?
Expectations that comes out of the world.
I am no better than anyone else.
I can be the one to give, give, give without expecting anything back, because I like giving, and in the end that is more comfortable, as long as I can give without feeling that I have to.
But when it comes to reciving, it is always harder, like reciving appriciations from people, I always downgrade myself, like I'm not good enough to get that attention or appriciation, being to humble, it's good to be humble yes, but not if you put yourself down for every little thing. or reciving understanding and love, if I give that back does it mean I'm tied to it, can I give without being tied to it, do I have to think about what other people might think if I give love, I don't give because I necessarly need it back, I give it because that's just who I am.

I believe people and events come into our lifes to teach us something about ourselves, actaully everything that happens to you, are supposed to teach you something about yourself, and if you don't get it right the first time, the universe will send another person or another event, until you've learn that lesson. I think this lesson is all about giving and reciving, I've learned to give without excpecting anything back, now I need to learn how to recieve without putting any boundaries and ties to it.

Imogen Heap - First Train Home

I'm still coughing, it's worst when I'm trying to sleep and early in the morning, I was gonna go to the doctor but they didn't have any appointments for Friday, so I have to wait until next week, hoepfully it will get better, but I've been saying that since Tuesday and it still hasn't. Maybe I should be in bed and ride it out, but that's boring, I've been in my room/the house since sunday, so I thought maybe I could go out and get some fresh air, was driving around Plano yesterday, met Chris at Legacy book, went to his friend to pick up some CDs went to the blue goose to eat, went to pick up his room mate who missed his bus, went to Bob's and got home at 1:00 am. So yes maybe I should sleep today, or study.

I got the new Imogen Heap album, Eclipse, and I love it, there's one song in particular that I like more than the rest of them, Half Life, beautiful song with great lyrics.

I might sound rancour, but I'm not, I just come to insight i haven't thought about before, and with so much time over it's easier to actually reflect over things that you don't have time to reflect over when you're busy with profane things like, watching movies, trying to think what to say before you open your mouth, being conserned of what people think about you, or say behind your back (you don't have to be concerend about that if you don't say anything behind their backs), and so on and so on...

I don't feel bitter or rancour, I feel great I really do,I feel great in spirit, but my flesh is feeling the side effects of my cold, but it doesn't matter what my body feels as long as my soul's alright.

I'm sitting through Kermit, A swamp life, I'm scared of Kermit, or I used to be, I might not be anymore, but some childhood experience made me scared of the muppets and I've been avoiding watching it since then, so I don't know if I'm still scared.

I believe that's how you see a lot of things in your life, you think that you're scared because you used to be, you have this belifs that shape you into who you are, but after years you grow and things change, but deep inside you, you still got the same belif, that puts you of doing things, that in reality isn't scary at all, you're just being ignorant over it, because you use to not like it.
If you fear it, Do it!

Im sick so i've got a lot of time over to sleep or find music. (or do math).
I found this yesterday when I couldn't sleep because I sleept all day.

The drums
(so nice pop music) and I love it.

Austin

Lights at South Congress

Inside State Capital

Nice Trees and old House in Downtown Austin

A fall rose

I am amazed by the way people change when they're no longer putting all their good
qualities on the outside, because it's true what is said about relationships, not just with people you're attracted to, but with all people you meet.
You always put on different faces and different behaviours depending on who you are with, you don't have one, but many identeties.

If there's a person you dislike, or if there's things about a person you don't like, you close yourself, and only put foward qualities that will make that person feel distant.
You meet with someone you feel attracted to, you put on all your best sides and try to hide all your bad sides until you lured that person into liking you for only your good sides.

It's a game, and even if we all want to say no it's not a game it's still a game untill you show all of what you are, both the good sides and the bad sides.
It's a game until you stop hiding your true self. Come to think of it, life is a game for a lot of people, because we are all trying to be liked by everyone around us.
That's why we don't speak our mind most of the time, that's why we always demand more more more, more money, to buy more clothes, to match our new shoes, to match our new haircut, to match the person we're playing today, to match what the persons around us think we are.

I'm tired of the game, but changing or cheating is so hard because the whole society is build up around these rules, but then once you've got a sneak peak of the rules you find out ways they
can be broken, it's all a matter of self-control, controlling your own belifs, controlling your own feelings, saying no, when you don't feel like doing something, saying why not, when someone are questiong your belifs, or your plans.

I'm back from Austin, but you all have to wait for a entry about what happened there, I have photos to go through and I'm tired. But it was a good trip, and I can't wait to go back.

a quick one before I fall asleep.

I really love fashion, but not the kinda fashion where people tell you what's right to wear or what's hot and not.
I love dressing in all kinds of styles, like one day I feel like being really colorful, the other day I feel like I want to be boheiman or hippie, and then yet another day I feel like I want to dress all in black, I find people that does not have a specific dress code, or people that not try to fit in to a genre much more interesting then these people that only dress a certain way, it's like people who just listen to a certain genre of music, Hey you're missing out on all the other great stuff out there, Hey you're missing out on all these cool clothes out there.

I used to only dress in mainly jeans and t-shirts, but I always wanted to dress up in dresses or wearing leggings and long shirts, and recently I have made a commitment to not only dress in Jeans, once you start wearing other stuff it's so much easier to change back and forth.

The best way to find cool one-of-a-kind stuff is all the countless thrift stores, it's also much better than buying new stuff, not only do you get something that no one else have it's also recycling and good for our planet. So going to Austin kinda have me hoping we can do some thrift-store hopping instead of bar-hopping. Maybe I can pick up a thing or two.

Jag funderar seriöst på att sticka till Oklahoma City ikväll och se The Sounds igen, slipper ju betala biljett, det är 3 timmars körande dit, det är som att köra till Göteborg från Helsingborg, jag menar det är ju inte så långt, eller hur? Jag slutar klockan 5, förbandet går på scen kl 8:00pm konserten slutade 11:30 igår, så ja jag borde ju vara hemma vid samma tid som jag var hemma idag. Jag vill dansa och sjunga!

I just got back home, it's late 4:00 am, I should be home sooner, but who can say no to an offer to party with main act, yeah that's right we partied with members from the sound, or mainly with Felix, he saw our Swedish flag, heard we were from Sweden and me from Helsingborg, so after the show he invited us to a bar and of course we tagged along, talked memories from school, difference between Sweden and America and just random shit, for two hours at a bar, and then head back to their tourbus to hang with the rest of the band for a while before we decided to hit the road and get back home. Sadly enough I did not have my camera, but if I'm going to Oklahoma city (since I'm now on the guest list, I'll make sure I bring it)

Alex said some fun things yesterday.

Still got my jacket on, I need to write this because I'm hyper about it. I went to church today, on a Wednesday? Yes. It was awesome, it's always awesome because it makes me feel great. John Edward, he's from Norway was there  talking about his new book, so of course I wanted to go because if there's someone there from Norway it means they probably understand Swedish, and finding people around here that understands Swedish is not that simple.  It also turns out he knows what he's talking about, I can't explain because I wouldn't justify it.

Twitter style, not really this will by the way only work on my blog http://crush.blogg.se and not on facebook, because there's videos in this entry.

And the night turned into to day, and the day got better and better and better.

My life is like that movie, 500 days of Summer, but instead of Summer you could switch out that name to Matt, and substract about 300 days from 500. I miss him, I'm putting that out there, because he's fun hanging out with. I miss him in that friendly way, you miss someone you spent a lot of time with.

So Waco and the State Fair it was. Only about a week after the happenings. Alp and I decided, since she has her vacation week and she didn't go to Arkansas, that we were going to the Dr Pepper museum in Waco, it's was kind of a spur of the moment decision, but a good one, Not only did we get to drink delicious Dr pepper made out of real caned suger, but we got to see the Texas rangers museum, the cool bridges, and an awesome downtown, that was empty of people because everyone was at the bears football game.